But this was probably the stupidest.
It was the first week of summer last year. Me and my friends were all excited to do some really dumb shit: drink, smoke weed, and other shit like that. We all wanted to get high once before we smoked weed for the first time. Upon asking our former friend/druggie (I say former friend because he’s one of those liberal people who are way too liberal and he is always spouting some bullshit about equal rights for starfish or some shit like that), he recommended that we try something called whip-its.
What is a whip-it? A whip-it is when you take a can of whipped cream, depress the nozzle gently (not so much that the cream comes out, but just enough so that the nitrous oxide leaks out), and hold the nitrous oxide in your lungs for as long as you can. The result is a very short, very intense high. It sounded good to us. So me and my friends went into the local gas station (Kwik Trip, great gas station/convenience store chain in the midwest) and bought what can only be described as a comical amount of whipped cream. We got different brands: Reddi Whip, Dean’s, among others (We decided that Dean’s was the best). We all had our arms full. But then, we came to realize it might look suspicious if we by forty cans of whipped cream. So we also went ahead and bought one gallon of ice cream and a bottle of chocolate syrup. We went to the cashier to buy our stuff. The cashier gave us a strange look. “We’re having an ice cream party,” I said. That must have done the trick, because she checked out all of our whipped cream.
We walked with our ludicrous amount of whipped cream to the park (the park is sixty-feet from the police station. We walked right by it). We got to the park and our druggie friend, who had done this dozens of times, decided to show it how it’s done. He took of the cap, slowly pushed down the nozzle, sucked in the gas, and laid back. After about a minute, he sat up.
Upon seeing this, me and the rest of my friends were excited. We each grabbed one of the cans and did exactly as he did. The gas came out and we sucked it in and held it in our lungs for as long as possible. Upon exhalation, my body felt as though it weren’t there. I started seeing stars. It was so relaxing, yet intense at the same time. I laid down and let the nitrous oxide work its magic. One of my friends started to run around (he obviously didn’t do it right and wasn’t getting the effect of the “drugs” or else he would be so relaxed he couldn’t move). After a minute of us lying around, moaning in pleasure, we slowly started to get up. We did it until the cans ran out. There were five of us and about forty cans, so we each probably did eight whip-its.
After we ran out of whipped cream, we were all very excited to try smoking marijuana. But we couldn’t do it that night: my Lutheran friends had confirmation. We decided to keep hanging out until they had to leave. We started eating the ice cream that was slowly melting. We started getting sick of sitting around and started walking around again. After a while, we returned to the park. We still had the chocolate syrup. The druggie friend took the chocolate and did something that thoroughly made us worry that we could get into some real trouble. He took the chocolate and squeezed it onto the street, drizzling the chocolate into a penis on the road. It was a very detailed penis: two balls, a shaft, foreskin, and a lot of hair. The chocolate penis was made complete by some squiggly lines at the head of the penis. These lines were clearly represented ejaculate. After our initial panic, we decided that it looked like it were going to rain very soon, so it would be washed away very quickly.
I walked by the chocolate penis every day that week, hoping it would be gone. It faded slowly. It took eight days for that thing to go away. I must respect how long it lasted. During those eight days, it rained a lot at night. So every morning I expected it to be gone. It just wouldn’t die.
This was my first experience with “drugs” and getting high. I’ve done more drugs after that day. We did some whip-its on the last day of school while having a bonfire. After we completed the whipped cream cans, we threw them into the fire. They all exploded and left a big hole in my friends fire pit. Well, they didn’t all explode. One of the cans shot out like a bottle rocket. It flew for about fifty feet and had about seven seconds of hang time. We were impressed.
And of course I have done other things. I once took a pill with a friend that was supposed to make me “super trippy and see colors and shit,” but it didn’t work. And I have smoked weed a few times. The first time was quite the deal, with the whole football team (don’t be too impressed. In a town of our size, the whole football team is only about 25 people) and a couple other kids who were deemed cool enough to join us (the night has come to be known as “The Clan Bake”). I took a hit out of a pipe and it wasn’t really working (apparently it doesn’t the first time or something), so a senior pulled me aside and let me use Big Betty, a large, green bong. One rip of the bong and I was pretty gone. After we all got baked, we drove to town and walked through a haunted house. This particular strain of marijuana left you relaxed, so we went through and giggled at all the people dressed up as monsters and ghouls and axe murderers (the people were pretty pissed at us).
Do I endorse any of the actions described above? No, although I think that marijuana is safe enough to be legalized for recreational use. Don’t do whip-its. I haven’t since the time they all exploded. Apparently, if you do them, you can kinda just fall down dead.
Before I end this post, since I have such a large audience (6 followers) I feel as though I should remind you that there is a comment box down there for a reason. Feedback is always appreciated, whether positive or negative. Compliment how funny and witty I am. Or you can chastise me for how stupid I am for doing all of these stupid things. I don’t care. Just say something. It can even be jfkdlshgjhgjsdghjdshgjdsgjjsdgjh, I don’t care. Just acknowledge the comment box’s existence. Thank you for reading (hopefully someone reads this).